This blog entry is hard for me to write, but here it goes: The day before yesterday, I was a bad mother. I promised myself a long time ago I want to be honest as a mother and as a woman, especially on this blog.
After six weeks of quarantine, three of which in isolation my toddler daughter and I really got on each other’s nerves. Sometimes this was funny, like when she was being particularly trying wanting a spoon from the drawer whilst her brother was screaming in my arms at the same time. I lost it and in a very good tantrum myself threw all the spoons from the drawer on the floor. If she wants the spoons, she can have them all. We both had to laugh.
But yesterday it wasn’t funny. We had had a long day of failed potty training. All I need to say is poo and pee on the floor. She wouldn’t let go of my phone. She was up way past her bed time and frankly just up to anything that could drive me up the wall and prolong her being awake. We ended up having a very strong tug of war with the rope attached to my phone cover, she was hanging onto it in the air holding on for dear life. To my horror this hurt her little podgy hands. She now has an open blister on one of her fingers. There were a lot of tears from both of us. Her and I had worked ourselves into such a frenzy that it took two hours of cuddling until she finally went to sleep.
The only way to describe my feelings, is that I was so incredibly ashamed and felt horrifically guilty. This is not the kind of mother or even human being I want to be. My little darling daughter deserves better. Over a glass of wine in the evening with my husband I said: “I am not a good mother”. And he brilliantly replied: “No, today you were not. But you are a good person and that is the most important. Tomorrow you will do better”
I learnt two things that day. One: When you are overstretched and you know it. Do yourself and your children a favour: ask for help. Take a break, walk out, call a friend or do whatever you need. Thankfully, here in Switzerland nurseries are still open. Though the official government position is to keep the children at home if you can. I decided that I couldn’t any longer. So she went yesterday and it was the happiest day all of us have had in a long time.
Two: Be honest to yourself and others. Though I felt like hiding, I told people. Likelihood is when you do the stories will come pouring out from other parents. It also made me feel more like myself. Because this is who I want to be authentic, not flawless or pretend to be anything I am not. I believe this will also as a whole make me a good mother